Living La Vida Loca

We were blessed with the opportunity to join about 30 people from the Pacific Northwest to participate in the celebration of the marriage of Ben Glassy and Anita Kasina in Vijayawada, India last month. Ben and Ari have known each other since they were small boys on Mercer Island, and over many years Andrew and I became friends with Ben’s parents – Danette and Jeremy.

Danette became our kids’ pediatrician, Jeremy went on to complete a career at Boeing and is now retired and doing things he loves, and Danette partnered with another wonderful man, Kyle Yasuda who is also a pediatrician and was the first to be sure little premie Ari was doing well at birth! So we go WAYYYY back.

Anita and Ben met in grammar school on Mercer Island as she was living there with her parents for schooling in the States. Her Mom, Gitta, passed while Anita was young, and Anita continued her schooling a U of Oregon as did Ben. Her Dad, Sudhakar – a very accomplished scientist, inventor, and business leader, returned to Vigayawada to run a radiopharmaceutical company in India and built a magnificent tribute home to his wife where he now lives and gathers family for occasions like the wedding we attended.

The flights to India were long but uneventful. We flew from Seattle to Dubai (15 hours) and then Dubai to Hyderabad (another 3 hours), and then took a bus ride for 4 more hours to Vijayawada. Emirates airline is terrific – new planes, comfy seats (even in Economy), and it seemed like we were being fed every few hours!. Not much sleep along the way but we were thankful that everything went on time, no bags lost, etc. Once in Hyderabad, as a group of more than 20 people converged from various flights getting in at similar times from different points of origin, the Kasina family (along with Ben, who has been in India with Jeremy for a bit) met each of us with beautiful bouquets of flowers and hearty welcomes. It was really cool to not only reunite with some mutual American friends from Mercer Island we hadn’t seen in many years, but to meet more of Anita’s family and be made to feel so welcome at the outset. Sudhakar has arranged all the transportation, housing and meals for us along the way (bless his heart), so the very weary bunch of us piled into a chartered bus (that likely will become “THE bus”) for the longish ride to Vijayawada.

Comfy seats, blankets, and the relative quiet of traveling in the late night/early morning made the transition pleasant. We did stop mid-way in what was early morning at a local breakfast stop and had our first authentic taste of masala dosa, sweet chai tea and very foam-topped coffee. We were absolutely the only non-Indian patrons as the café was filled with large local families and business people starting their day as well. I definitely learned that “not too spicy” here means sorta real spicy in my tummy lexicon, so I had to watching out for curry :).

First Impressions

The ride from Hyderabad to Vijayawada was familiar scenery for me. Having traveled in a number of developing countries such as Zambia, Haiti, Costa Rica, and South Africa, I was not surprised to see the scope of poverty and half-completed construction along most of the highway we took as well as in the few smaller towns we passed through. It really reminded me of Haiti before the big quake that took out what little infrastructure existed before. There are many homes and office structures that appear to have been started – foundations laid and perhaps a floor or two and outer staircases completed – but rebar and open air where the roof should be and construction site remains still and quiet around it. From the state of roadsides there obviously is not an intact garbage disposal system and general road maintenance seems restricted to main roads.

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Despite all that, businesses were bustling – both retail and roadside stands. Once in Vijayawada the scenery was the same – except the volume of people and the famous traffic mayhem abounds. Mind you, I would not presume to make the generalization that all of India is this way – I have not been in the really large cities…but certainly in this part of a very big country, there is work to be done.

It was quite amazing to see cars, buses, bikes, motorcycles, tuk tuks (small transports), dump trucks and pedestrians all manage to avoid hitting each other when no traffic rules were evident. It really does seem that the only rules of the road are to blow your horn if you are bigger than the vehicle in front of you and don’t hit anything! It works somehow. There don’t appear to be lanes per se, and one vehicle wide streets can go in either direction or in two directions at the same time. Many of us decided that it was better to sit toward the back of our transport bus simply to avoid freaking out while looking and ever-present oncoming traffic!

Anita’s father kindly arranged for us all to stay in a small hotel not far from his home, run by a really great group of people who have been incredibly attentive and helpful. We had all that we need to be comfortable and that is most important.

Once we all got a bit of sleep, we were bussed over to Sudhakar’s home. The residential area that he lives in is set back from the main roads and has much less traffic than the hotel location where we are staying so there is a nice neighborhood feel to that for sure. The neighborhoods are named “colonies” and this one is the Veterinary Colony, while others are named for various other vocations. Perhaps at one time there were clusters of particularly trained people in each area but now the neighborhood names are mainly used to give directions rather than using specific street name coordinates.

Sudhakar’s house is beautiful and welcoming. He has filled it with art and fixtures that he has either designed or commissioned, and many things were created with some spiritual or cultural significance. Still other aspects of the house were obviously there to make it a place that would attract his children and extended family and friends to enjoy…a very open, comfortable living room area, spacious bedrooms and airy balconies looking out over the city, and even a “movie room” with recliners and a huge screen for watching films.

Meeting the Family

We all gathered at the house the next day to get acquainted with each other across family lines. Most of the visiting relatives are from Ben’s family, and many of the young people that have come on their own or with a significant other have either known both Ben and Anita from high school on Mercer Island or from college at the University of Oregon – so it was a bit of an “old home week” for the young crowd. There were a number of aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews and a few of us good friends from Seattle as well.

On Anita’s side of the equation, there were close relations of Sudhakar’s – his sister lives with him, and he also has some lovely house helpers and a right-hand man who are ever-present. As the week progressed the aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins and extended family and friends arrived for the wedding day and some additional traditional festivities. We were told that there will be nearly 800 people at the wedding and party that follows!

Preparing the House and Preparing to Party

During the first few days, Sudhakar’s house went through a transformation. The front entrance donned a canopy that extended to the road side filled with colorful decorations and lights, as well as banana trees – it symbolized for the community that a wedding was to take place. Just adjacent to the house a huge tent was constructed, replete with a stage for dancing and other entertainment, and seating all around for guests.

Tuesday night – getting the guests ready

On this day we got the traditional outfits that Anita and her father had made for many of us to wear during wedding week. The women really were the lucky ones…some of us got salawars – long tunics in bright colors paired with loose pants, long scarves and matching bangles for both wrists…still others had asked for saris – long, luscious swathes of fabric that have to be specially wrapped over tight-fitting blouses. In the streets we see women wearing both salawars and saris, but it was explained that there are many types of both and the range of fabric types and quality is immense. As a bride, Anita had many of each and during the wedding week and ceremony itself she made numerous changes of outfits. One is more beautiful than the next, and she wears each one with pieces of jewelry – many of which were designed by her father and worn by her mother. The tradition of generation-to-generation is beautiful.

In the evening we all gathered in the tent to learn some traditional wedding dances under the direction of three dancers who will also perform during the first of the pre-wedding events. I did give the routine a try but a running injury sidelined me. However, Ari really got into the action and he did perform with many of the young people (and a few of the parent group) after the henna ceremony. With the growing number of visitors we  started taking meals in the tent, catered in a very traditional Indian style with all vegetarian, sometimes quite spicy dishes…we got a really authentic experience in many wonderful ways!

Wednesday – The Day before the Wedding

After we all got as bit more quality sleep, Ari ventured out running with his friend, Hanna, who is also from Mercer Island and a good friend of Anita’s. They keep good pace with each other and did not seem at all daunted by dodging cars and other vehicles to get their mileage in. Andrew and I joined up with Julia Glassy – Ben’s younger sister – and we braved a long walk winding through the nearby neighborhoods in search of quieter streets. We did find them, and as it happened we walked ourselves to Sudhakar’s house without realizing it until buildings started to look familiar. We realized then that the bus we had been taking back and forth was always taking a more circuitous route for who knows what traffic reason and that the hotel is really pretty darned close to the house. That said, with the weather as hot and humid as it has been, and the traffic as unnerving, it’s unlikely we’ll take up trucking to and from – but we did feel a sense of strange accomplishment for finding our way.

With a little time in the morning without event obligations, we decided to do a little shopping. Ari wanted to find something a bit traditional for the wedding, Andrew was hoping for some extra running shorts, and I wanted to find some long tights and tunics to wear running/walking as I did too good a job of packing light and this was a real deficit. The hotel manager was kind to arrange a tuk tuk to take us and bring us back. Tuk tuks are an open air version of a taxi that looks most like a golf cart. Three people can barely squeeze in the back seat and the driver by definition has to be skilled and brave to weave and bob through traffic without breaking a sweat. The best way to describe the mayhem that is traffic is “freestyle driving”…no lanes, no lights, no direction is off limits, and steady, determined nerves are prerequisite. Passengers like me need to breathe deeply and have faith…

So, the shopping was successful – we ended up in a very, family-owned and operated store that carries goods from 40 different Indian manufacturers, and each of us managed to find some traditional garb for the festivities and beyond.

The Wedding Day

While there are numerous rituals that I could write about sprinkled throughout the wedding week, the pinnacle was definitely the wedding day and evening ceremony. On wedding day, Anita went through numerous sari, jewelry, and hair adornment changes – each one more ornate and breathtaking.   Brides definitely get the better end of the fashion deal! The sari fabrics are brilliant colors, many woven with gold thread, often made of fine silks…Much of the jewelry that Anita wore was designed by her father – most for Anita’s mother and Anita wore them beautifully and with real pride. Her aunts were ever-present to help her make these wardrobe changes and dote endlessly -it was really sweet to watch the closeness and “sorority” of the women in the family across many generations.

One thing that really struck me during this time was the number of family members who made their way from other cities in India to come to this event, and the wonderful multi-generational bond there is….we figured out that there were five generations represented during the week of celebration – I don’t think that is very common in our American world. Also, the women and men who are the support system for the family during these hectic times were ever present and very much included in the celebrations along with being the real force behind everything running smoothly.

The Wedding Night Production

Dressed in our finest clothes – with many of the American visitors wearing the traditional garb as well – we were transported by bus as part of a very noisy procession to the wedding venue. Leading the pack was a 25 piece band that could be heard for blocks and blocks…drums, horns, and more drums! This band heralded the impending procession by standing outside Sudakar’s house for at least an hour playing non-stop, with the volume pumped up by huge speakers. The neighbors came out to see what was happening, and the house looked fabulous with added flower garlands, plants and lights everywhere. The procession down the main drag in this part of the city definitely caught everyone’s attention and it was accentuated by it being around evening rush hour.

Once at the venue, the American contingent – Ben’s side of the equation – were asked to lead off the celebration by dancing in front of the band playing…in front of the two cars that held the bride and groom and close family. It was only after a riotous dance period that we entered the hall and the rest of the guests followed the groom and then the bridal party.

The actual marriage ceremony is way too complex to explain in detail here (you can look that up online) but suffice it to say that there is a definite order of rituals that trace the couple from their getting acquainted, to making promises to each other as life partners, to creating an alignment of souls and spirit, and a final joining together as a blessed couple. I had to read up on the details after the fact and once I did it made much more sense, as the priest conducts all the proceedings in Sanskrit.   The ceremony from start to finish that night was about 8 hours long! Really…well, we had dinner in there somewhere, but it is a long, intricate, colorful, and sacred journey that the bride and groom are taken on and the rest of us were truly just observers.

It is very important to Sudakar and the family to document the event so at all the ceremonies there were both still and video photographers. The wedding night especially was much like a television studio shoot, replete with a boom camera on a crane-like rig, professional lighting – the works. There’s no doubt that this is not the regular routine for most weddings in India, but in this eschelon of society and for this family that cherishes their cultural and religious history so completely, this level of production was not surprising.

While much of the ceremony was quite formal and ordered, it was perfectly acceptable for family and friends to come up onto the staged area quietly and watch the goings on closer up (remember, we were in a hall that seated many hundreds of people). Most of us were not aware of this until later in the evening, unfortunately, but once we caught on we got to be very close in and get a better sense of what was happening. The one that really stuck with me was a segment of interaction between bride and groom that was meant to encourage playfulness in their relationship. They poured rice on each other, blew multicolored small foam balls at each other, showered each other with flower petals… I think this is something we all should try to retain in our relationships.

The Roll Up to Consummating the Marriage

It is traditionally not until the night of the day AFTER the wedding ceremony that the couple actually spends the night together (you fill in the activities there).   While some preliminary blessings and rituals took place during the morning and early afternoon – including married couples in attendance (like Andrew and I) offering their blessing to the newlyweds – the aunties were busy readying the nuptial bed and Anita’s hair! The entire bed was covered in an intricate heart-shaped design made of rose, jasmine and other fragrant flowers, with the canopy on the bed hung with garlands of more flowers. This was a piece of art!

Andrew, Ruth and I had to leave during the latter part of this evening, so we didn’t get to be part of the craziness that goes on once the bridal couple retires to their decorated room. Apparently they are to be given lots of fruit and sweets for sustenance, a glass of milk as an aphrodisiac, and then are to be interrupted every few minutes by family and friends. I am not sure exactly how this played out so I guess I need to write an addendum to this entry when I get the scoop.

Reflection

Riding to the airport the last evening, I reflected on the week-long experience. It was very clear to me that we had participated in something very unusual, very historical, and very sacred. Admittedly there was a very stark juxtaposition between the ability to extend seemingly unending hospitality to so many visitors that Sudhakar and his family so graciously provided…and what I saw surrounding this incredibly blessed family. The India I saw (and admittedly I saw only a sliver) is a blend of so many very impoverished people just making their way as best they can and a smaller segment of the population that has by hard work, patience, opportunities for education, and strong family traditions been able to build a more comfortable lifestyle for themselves and their extended family and friends. I am not so sure that this is completely different than in other countries – my sense is just that the distance between the two ends of this spectrum is very, very great with not a lot in-between. I’ve visited enough developing countries to understand that creating solid infrastructure and services for huge populations is a monumental task, and India carries that burden in a big way. I can only speak to my experience overall of being welcomed into a culture of openness, compassion and caring, and a deep and soulful spirituality.

I am grateful to the Kasina family, and to the Glassy family – now joined as one big family – for giving us the gift of participating in this wonderful celebration, and for the opportunity to get at least a taste of India.